Co-Parenting Boundaries
Healthy interpersonal boundaries are critical for obtaining respect at your job, in romantic relationships, friendships & with anyone you interact with. But when it comes to keeping yourself and your baby safe, they are absolutely non-negotiable. The earlier in a relationship you can set boundaries with a person, the easier it will be because they haven't lost respect for you or begun to take you for granted yet. But it's never too late to start and today is better than tomorrow.
At some point, one or both of you will likely start dating or even marry another person who will then be spending time around your child. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, but for now let's talk basics. BOUNDARIES.
Here are some quick tips for setting strong boundaries while still being fair & kind as a co-parent:
- Set out your expectations/needs clearly & then don't change them unexpectedly or accept last-minute changes from him except in extremely rare circumstances. Be clear & honest about your financial needs & how you'll obtain the money: (I.e. - "We need ____ amount of money this month; meet me once a week for payments & to plan visits," etc).
- Document EVERYTHING, from the amounts he's paid you to outstanding amounts to anything in his life that concerns you. This will be vital if your case ever goes to court or he does something stupid and police need to get involved. You don't want a he said/she said situation.
- Say 'please' and 'thank you' and be flexible when possible but don't tolerate manipulation or abuse. (Name-calling, personal insults, blaming you for things that aren't your fault, etc). Keep communications short & polite and be prepared to show how you came to certain dollar amounts if necessary. Since he's not physically raising the child on a daily basis, he'll pay a bigger portion of the baby's expenses than you.
- Document EVERYTHING, from the amounts he's paid you to outstanding amounts to anything in his life that concerns you. This will be vital if your case ever goes to court or he does something stupid and police need to get involved. You don't want a he said/she said situation.
- Say 'please' and 'thank you' and be flexible when possible but don't tolerate manipulation or abuse. (Name-calling, personal insults, blaming you for things that aren't your fault, etc). Keep communications short & polite and be prepared to show how you came to certain dollar amounts if necessary. Since he's not physically raising the child on a daily basis, he'll pay a bigger portion of the baby's expenses than you.
- Don't expect emotional support or shared joy about the baby from him because he's not your partner or even your friend. DO require financial support for your child - that's his responsibility. And that should be his only responsibility until the baby is old enough to be sent off with him (if he proves himself safe to even have him alone). Seek emotional support from other sources--family, friends, co-workers, therapist, his mom, etc. You have a lot of ppl who love you and are VERY excited about this baby--make use of us.
- Don't get in his personal business about who he dates or what he does with his time. But remember that that street goes both ways: he is not to get in YOUR personal business either. Controlling behavior is abuse, and this includes things like telling you how not to raise "his" son or how you should be eating/working out, keeping house, etc. Coercive control IS abuse and can escalate to physical violence or worse if not addressed promptly. Read that again. These things are red flags in romantic relationships but especially worrisome when they happen OUTSIDE a relationship. Pregnancy is the most dangerous time for a woman concerning intimate partner violence--in fact, homicide is the leading cause of death in pregnant women in the U.S. So never take his bad behavior lightly.
- Stay off his social media and don't post passive-aggressive things about him on yours because that's a boundary violation. Co-parents don't do that. Save it for therapy or a venting session with a trusted friend. Also, publicly shaming or humiliating someone who's mentally unstable is potentially dangerous. It's not your job to motivate or shame him into caring. Only he can do that.
- Don't get in his personal business about who he dates or what he does with his time. But remember that that street goes both ways: he is not to get in YOUR personal business either. Controlling behavior is abuse, and this includes things like telling you how not to raise "his" son or how you should be eating/working out, keeping house, etc. Coercive control IS abuse and can escalate to physical violence or worse if not addressed promptly. Read that again. These things are red flags in romantic relationships but especially worrisome when they happen OUTSIDE a relationship. Pregnancy is the most dangerous time for a woman concerning intimate partner violence--in fact, homicide is the leading cause of death in pregnant women in the U.S. So never take his bad behavior lightly.
- Stay off his social media and don't post passive-aggressive things about him on yours because that's a boundary violation. Co-parents don't do that. Save it for therapy or a venting session with a trusted friend. Also, publicly shaming or humiliating someone who's mentally unstable is potentially dangerous. It's not your job to motivate or shame him into caring. Only he can do that.
- Abstain from name-calling, making threats or other forms of abusive behavior yourself even if he "starts" it. If your boundaries are being violated, do not verbally or physically engage, shut the conversation down and leave the situation. Refusal to engage is more effective than any insult, plus your behavior sets the tone for the relationship & tells the other person what's acceptable: if you get down in the mud and behave like a Jerry Springer guest, it tells him it's okay to do the same. Don't be surprised if he follows suit.
(You're going to get super protective/territorial (not to mention EXHAUSTED) when the baby arrives and the last thing you'll want to deal with is some maniac barging in & disturbing your routine, waking up the baby or causing drama. It's your responsibility to provide a safe, stable environment and that starts with keeping chaotic/abusive people OUT. Just because the baby is 50% his does NOT give him the right to come into your house that you pay 100% of the mortgage on or hurl insults at you). 🙅🏻
- Start setting a time to meet somewhere neutral in public for baby/financial discussions, and set ground rules about respecting each other. If the convo goes off the rails, cut the meeting short & resume another day when tempers have cooled. As much as possible, try to handle your baby discussions over the phone or Zoom, Skype, FB Messenger & other remote chat platforms to reduce unnecessary contact & chances for conflict. This should always be the groundrule, not just when he's going through a moody spell. He doesn't need to "drop by" and hang out at your house for any reason. You're co-parents, not friends or lovers.
(Boundaries apply all the time--not just when a person is behaving badly. This will apply to your child too when he's old enough to start disciplining. Consistency is key. If you break the rules some of the time, it gives the impression you're weak or not serious about the things you're saying which makes your words completely pointless & invalid. This is truly a "give an inch and they take a mile" situation. You MUST be consistent in order to be taken seriously. Actually this goes for everyone--when the baby comes, you won't want people dropping by unannounced because you'll be stressed, exhausted & trying to adjust to a whole new schedule & life, so get comfortable saying 'no' and scheduling times to meet people that work for YOU).
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| 1st two points = planned communication and respecting each other's homes |
A co-parent is the other biological parent of your child. They are not a friend, a lover, romantic partner or confidante. Your sole goal in dealing with them is to provide a father & extended paternal family for your child, something that'll be important for their self-esteem & emotional adjustment growing up. Communication should be cordial & clear but brief & not overly friendly. You must learn to separate any lingering personal feelings for this person from the current reality & keep your overall goal of peaceful cooperation in mind. It stopped being about D*llas & H*yli the minute you decided to keep this baby. 😊
Your one and only focus should be on your child and providing the most predictable, peaceful environment possible with a special focus on your own health, NOT on appeasing this man child. Anyone who truly cared about you or the baby wouldn't purposely upset you and leave you in tears because that harms both you and the baby. Read that again. This person is potentially dangerous and these behaviors would be red flags IN a relationship. The fact that he's acting this controlling, entitled & aggressive with you OUTSIDE of one is downright concerning. The drug abuse combined with the creepy "manosphere" videos he watches make him a high risk for violence. Wrestler Chris Benoit was the nicest guy people knew--when he was found dead at home with his wife and son, the WWE did a big tribute show because it never occurred to them that he could've been the killer. But he was. He was on steroids & a few other pills at the time. He's far from the only steroid abuser to commit homicide.
I'm not saying this to worry you or cause you more stress--I know that's the LAST thing you need. I just know mom is not taking it nearly serious enough & don't want you getting hurt or falling into a negative mental health hole again. Even if he doesn't physically hurt you, you deserve better than that. He's clearly an abuser who goes through cycles of kindness/apologetic behavior alternating with rage/abuse. Don't try to "figure him out," we've seen enough to know his game. Minimize contact, remain cordial and set firm boundaries ASAP so you can focus on the important things when the baby gets here. 🖤
I'm not saying this to worry you or cause you more stress--I know that's the LAST thing you need. I just know mom is not taking it nearly serious enough & don't want you getting hurt or falling into a negative mental health hole again. Even if he doesn't physically hurt you, you deserve better than that. He's clearly an abuser who goes through cycles of kindness/apologetic behavior alternating with rage/abuse. Don't try to "figure him out," we've seen enough to know his game. Minimize contact, remain cordial and set firm boundaries ASAP so you can focus on the important things when the baby gets here. 🖤
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